Be Ready When the Sh*t Goes Down (A Survival Guide to the Apocalypse)
Forrest Griffin, Eric Krauss
Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub
From the Back Cover
Do you really need to buy this book? You gotta ask yourself one question: Are you going to be ready when the sh*t goes down? Here is a quick checklist:
1. Have you dug up your wife's rose garden and built a fallout shelter, equipped with a prison where you can lock up annoying family members?
2. Have you mapped out an escape route to your safe zone?
3. Is there a vehicle of death sitting in your garage?
4. Have you filled your go bag with all the needed instruments, including waterproof matches, postapocalyptic goggles, and at least one sexual party favor?
5. Have you learned how to milk various types of animals, including a giraffe?
As you can see, you need this book more than you even know. Without it, you're roadkill. Lucky for you, Forrest Griffin is the perfect apocalyptic chaperon. When he was in the womb, his mother had visions that the world would soon crumble, and Forrest would be the messiah of all mankind. He learned of these "visions" at the age of ten, and although they led him to believe that his mom had just been watching Mad Max and eating bad Mexican food, nevertheless he began his postapocalyptic training—a part of which involved his becoming a proud member of the Webelos, which is just one step below Boy Scout. And you know what the Boy Scout motto is. (Well, I hope you do, because Forrest doesn't have a clue). Another part involved hoarding ketchup packets, which he sucked down in the darkness of his room while listening to Nine Inch Nails. Hey, don't judge . . . hoarders are survivors. Just look at squirrels, they have been around longer than sharks.
If you want to survive the end of the world, and then avoid ending up in a government holding pen suffering from a bunch of diseases and listening to crying babies, you've got some skills to master. But don't worry—Forrest has you covered. From spotting the signs of the global downfall, to alienating your loved ones now so they don't come looking for you after, to hot-wiring a car to starting a religion in your own image, he provides you with all the hot knowledge you need to survive the downfall of civilization. Simply put, this is the most important book about the apocalypse that you will ever read by a UFC fighter from Georgia.
About the Author
Forrest Griffin is one of the top-ranked light-heavyweight mixed martial artists in the world. He won the first season of The Ultimate Fighter in 2005 and has been one of the most beloved UFC fighters ever since. He is the day man, fighter of the night man, and champion of the sun. He is also a master of karate and friendship for everyone. But calm down, ladies, Forrest and his main squeeze, Jaime, live in Las Vegas.
want to reiterate the importance of taking care of your teeth. Later in the book I give instructions on how to pull a rotten tooth, but you want to avoid this at all cost. Granted, a few days without brushing won’t do you any harm, but if you are unable to reach your safe zone for whatever reason, you will be very glad you brought some toothpaste. GET INTO SHAPE, YOU FAT SLOB As you’re fleeing from the apocalypse you’re almost certainly going to need to be on foot for some of the time;
SUMMER CAMP, ONLY DIFFERENT: HOW TO TOUGH IT OUT AS A REFUGEE Refugee camps are designed for the unwanted, and so the majority of the time they are constructed on very inhospitable terrain. If you are in Louisiana, expect to be placed in the swamps. If you are in Nevada, expect to be placed in the middle of the fucking desert. If you are in Arkansas—well, anywhere in Arkansas is pretty fucking shitty. Since they placed you in the crappiest part of the state, there will be no permanent
religion to justify a bad action, it is wrong. All religions have done it, even the Mormons. Back in the long-long ago, they used to kill other settlers and take their shit, and it was done in the name of religion. I have no intention of killing people and taking their shit, so I think I am pretty much okay. Sure, it is rough to believe in God and heaven when you see millions of people die before they’ve even had a chance in life, like all the kids who lost their lives in the Southeast Asian
begin with. Let’s just say winning the allegiance of your people is a very important concept to remember when building your new utopia. I know you want to get your castle built as quickly as possible, but it can’t be all work and no play for your people. You must keep them entertained. Back in Roman times, they used to accomplish this by hosting massive gladiatorial events where armed combatants fought with each other, condemned criminals, and even the most insane wild animals. While these events
bestseller list for nine weeks? 4Or a man could have placed them in his fanny pack, which would be much worse. 5Anyone that drinks chamomile tea does not deserve to survive the apocalypse. Decaffeinated tea defeats the purpose of tea—it is the same as drinking Near Beer. 6It’s good to be prepared for this type of encounter, but as of yet, I have not found a firing range that allows you to shoot out of a moving vehicle. Occasionally I do this in the desert, and I’ve found that my aim is